Something wasn't right. I was changing. I was turning into someone so different but I was so overwhelmed by the way I was feeling that I couldn't even see. The only thing I knew was that something wasn’t right.
For so long I tried to focus on responsibilities (some of them not even being mine) and I didn't give much importance to the way I was feeling. I thought I would get over it. I heard a lot of "Oh, you're fine" and, my personal favorite, "That's just in your head". With no follow-up. What’s that supposed to mean? That when there's something happening in your head you can just snap your fingers and you're good? That’s not how it works. Doctors (general practitioners) would tell me that I was fine. Nothing was wrong with me. I knew that couldn't be true. I felt lost. I felt hopeless. Eventually, I believed that they were right and I was wrong. I tried to move on. There was nothing left to do. I was supposedly fine.
The symptoms wouldn't disappear. I tried to cope the best way I could. Tried to have a normal life. Didn't work. Ignoring the problem never does.
It took me a long while to truly accept that I was desperate for help. That I couldn't live that way anymore. Took me even longer to ask for it.
I've always wanted to be helpful. I used to think that I could help everyone. I grew up doing the best I could to take care of my mom until it wasn't only the two of us anymore. I gave a lot of myself (still do) to make sure my grandparents have everything they could possibly need and feel the best way possible considering what they’re going through. Having them here, I had to deal with situations that scared me like never before. Witness circumstances that never fail to hurt me. Back to helping mom. She’s my favorite person in the world and I could never allow her to carry all this responsibility and its consequences by herself. It wasn't easy to admit to myself that this time it was me who needed help. I was ashamed but most of all I thought I was being weak. I wasn't right about that either.
I can see now that there's nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you need help. There's nothing wrong with getting it. I know it is not easy to ignore all the noise surrounding you but, at the end of the day, you need to realize that the power is within you. You decide. Even if some people don't agree or don't understand, you can still choose the way you believe to be the right path for you. So I did. It was the best decision I could ever make for myself. I don't feel alone anymore. 'Cause truly I never was. You're not either.
It's hard for me to remember a day when I wasn't struggling with what I now know to be an anxiety disorder. It consumed me and took over every aspect of my life. Not anymore.
If you're going through something similar, I hope you learn from my experience. Be brave and get the help you deserve. I'm not going to tell you that you are fine. We both know that's not true. However, I can tell you that you won't feel that way forever. You have to work hard and be patient but you'll learn. You'll grow. You will slowly start to heal. It will all fall into place. Better days will come. For both of us.
For so long I tried to focus on responsibilities (some of them not even being mine) and I didn't give much importance to the way I was feeling. I thought I would get over it. I heard a lot of "Oh, you're fine" and, my personal favorite, "That's just in your head". With no follow-up. What’s that supposed to mean? That when there's something happening in your head you can just snap your fingers and you're good? That’s not how it works. Doctors (general practitioners) would tell me that I was fine. Nothing was wrong with me. I knew that couldn't be true. I felt lost. I felt hopeless. Eventually, I believed that they were right and I was wrong. I tried to move on. There was nothing left to do. I was supposedly fine.
The symptoms wouldn't disappear. I tried to cope the best way I could. Tried to have a normal life. Didn't work. Ignoring the problem never does.
It took me a long while to truly accept that I was desperate for help. That I couldn't live that way anymore. Took me even longer to ask for it.
I've always wanted to be helpful. I used to think that I could help everyone. I grew up doing the best I could to take care of my mom until it wasn't only the two of us anymore. I gave a lot of myself (still do) to make sure my grandparents have everything they could possibly need and feel the best way possible considering what they’re going through. Having them here, I had to deal with situations that scared me like never before. Witness circumstances that never fail to hurt me. Back to helping mom. She’s my favorite person in the world and I could never allow her to carry all this responsibility and its consequences by herself. It wasn't easy to admit to myself that this time it was me who needed help. I was ashamed but most of all I thought I was being weak. I wasn't right about that either.
I can see now that there's nothing to be ashamed of. There's nothing wrong with admitting that you need help. There's nothing wrong with getting it. I know it is not easy to ignore all the noise surrounding you but, at the end of the day, you need to realize that the power is within you. You decide. Even if some people don't agree or don't understand, you can still choose the way you believe to be the right path for you. So I did. It was the best decision I could ever make for myself. I don't feel alone anymore. 'Cause truly I never was. You're not either.
It's hard for me to remember a day when I wasn't struggling with what I now know to be an anxiety disorder. It consumed me and took over every aspect of my life. Not anymore.
If you're going through something similar, I hope you learn from my experience. Be brave and get the help you deserve. I'm not going to tell you that you are fine. We both know that's not true. However, I can tell you that you won't feel that way forever. You have to work hard and be patient but you'll learn. You'll grow. You will slowly start to heal. It will all fall into place. Better days will come. For both of us.
